The Unhealthy Super Mario Kart Obsession
by Beachchickrules
Summary: Yes, that's right! I added another chapter to this crazy story! Bet you didn't see that one coming, huh. Well, read on for more Super Mario Kart SNES sarcasm.
1. This Used To Say Default Chapter!

The Unhealthy Obsession With Super Mario Kart

By Beachchickrules

Another hot, summer day at my residence. Another day of intense, disabling vertigo. And another day of Super Mario Kart 150cc engine racing. Who am I exactly, you may ask. I can tell you that I'm the narrator of this story. I can also tell you that I am very similar to the writer known as Beachchickrules. In fact, I may even BE her… but I can't say for sure, because these fan fictions are not to be real-person based, as I so foolishly learned from the removal of my Star Fox 64 Interview from fanfiction.net.

After I ate a bowl of cereal and grabbed a cup of Dr. Pepper Red Fusion this morning, I went into the living room where my one true love awaited me…my Nintendo gaming consoles. What do they care if I don't conform to the standards set by everyday mindless drones?

Oops, I forgot my CDs. That Super Mario Kart music is almost as obnoxious as the sound of Britney Spears' voice, or seeing Beyonce Knowles jiggle her jelly around in New York on the Fourth Of July. I went upstairs to procure my necessities. I opened my 3-CD changer and snatched two personal mix CDs and two CDs by my favorite band of all time, The Offspring.

When I arrived in front of the TV in the living room and switched the indigo rectangular button of my SNES I've had for nine years, whom do I pick to race with? Why, none other than Princess Peach Toadstool. Video gaming is all about strategy, and mine is go-kart handling. If I can fly around the curves of the racetrack and weed through the other racers with precision, I don't need incredible top speed or strength.

With the remote control for the living room's 5-CD changer in my hand and my headphones placed on my ears with care, I select Mushroom Cup 150cc and press play on my remote. The sound of Clay Aiken's version of "Like A Bridge Over Troubled Water", originally by Simon and Garfunkel, fills my ears; Lakitu's light changes to green, and the other racers automatically run into me. I'm now in 6th. Great start, eh? No. That was sarcastic.

"Mario, do you have to run into me all the time?" Peach asks the solemn but cocky plumber as they zoom around curves. "After all, I AM the princess!"

"But of course! The restraints of everyday etiquette don't apply on the racetrack, as you should already know. Fend for yourself, my dear, as I have a gold trophy to win."

As we all are aware, Princess Peach is not used to defending herself on her own, but surely with my racing skill and agility, she will prevail…? We'll see…after I stop thinking about how Clay Aiken should've won American Idol, and after I stop laughing at the thought of all of Ruben Studdard's singles sitting in Sam Goody, unsold.

While absorbed into those booming vocals, Mario becomes invincible right in front of me. Not me as in the writer/narrator of this story, but me as in my character on Super Mario Kart on the TV screen, obviously. I don't even know why I wrote that. Now to punish myself… *picks up keyboard and hits self upside h—-fkhatuiewek49-—OW!* Ok, now the keyboard is placed safely on the desk in front of my arms as I desperately try to fend off what could be the 70th severe disabling vertigo attack I've had in the past 28 months.

Anyhoo, where was I? And no, I'm not Canadian, but I love that word, and Canadians are VERY cool. My favorite actor, Phil Hartman, was Canadian. But! I digress! I must return to writing about my gaming experience this morning before this story becomes too off-topic to post in the Mario section!

So yes, Peach runs into the invincible Mario while sliding around the last curve before the start/finish line on the first track, regardless of the effort I put into avoiding him. Peach spins around maniacally, losing 7,533,936,457,640 coins. Actually, she loses about five. That was just an exaggeration. It's a struggle, but Peach manages to finish 4th, just barely meeting the prerequisites of passing onto the next round. I, the person who controls Peach, am not that angry yet, as I punch my own thigh and growl softly, rather than doing the other things that you'll get to read about later.

A/N: So, how is it? If no one enjoys this story, I guess I won't post much more of it. This has to be one of my most random, spur-of-the-moment stories ever written. So! If you're craving more, inform me via review, and I'll add more chapters! Dudeness! (I say that WAY too much…)


	2. The Chapter That Is Supposed To Be PG13

Ahh…on to the next song. Ever heard of "H. Song" by Sum 41? Well, that powerful tune filled my ears next—hold on, I forgot to turn off the SNES. Princess Peach is flailing her arms fruitlessly, and a silver Mario-head trophy is at her feet. Ahh, now I have the time trial screen on the TV so I can remember which track comes in what order, but that side scrolling screen is killing my vestibular-ocular reflex. Don't know what that is? That's ok, most people take it for granted, as I once did. Go to vestibular.org and learn about dizziness, vertigo, and the inner ear, and you'll have a taste of my everyday life.

Well! Sum 41 blasted through my headphones as Peach ran into those annoying light brown blocks that line the sides of… *turns around to look at TV* Ghost Valley 1. As Peach waited for Lakitu to save me from the one thing I—I mean, save her from the black depths under a racetrack that seems to have suddenly and inexplicably appeared in the universe somehow, I find my arms moving into an air-guitar position, as I pretend to play my own beautiful 5-string black Ibanez bass. Those bass slides! Gasp, they sound so good even if they do give me blisters and make my skin peel off of my hands…!

Lakitu steals two coins from Peach as I sit there, pretending to play my bass during the big guitar solo, listening to the drums for the rhythm. Oops, everyone is passing me! I frantically pick up my controller and Peach finishes the race, once again, barely passing. Hmm…maybe I should've played Goldeneye 007 this morning instead… the song 'Secret Agent Man" is now playing in my head for some reason. Hmmm…..I wonder why?….!?!!!

Whew! Somehow I've made it to Bowser Castle 1 and "D.U.I." by the Offspring is now entering my ear canals. That song is almost as funny as their song "Beheaded." Anyhoo, Peach manages to hit BOTH yellow speed zippers on the gray, stony ground and zooms around the curve with maximum efficiency, only to plop over twenty identical speed bumps. Five seconds later, Bowser is on her tail, throwing fireballs at her every five seconds, making her swerve five times per every five fifths of a minute. Um…yeah. Mathematics really annoy me, but somehow I got a 100% on them on a really big, important test recently.

(From "D.U.I.") "Now I slam my face into the back of a big rig/At least you'll never catch me you freaking pigs! Designate someone other than me/I'm so drunk I can hardly see" --Oopsie, maybe Peach IS drunk because after her first place win at Bowser's Castle 1, Mario has pushed her into the wall at Mario Circuit 2, causing her to ricochet off of the wall, landing on the horizontal row of five yellow speed zippers BACKWARDS. Yoshi passes Peach as she frantically turns around in 8th place, trying to regain her lost dignity, if she had any to begin with.

"MARIO!" Peach screams, "I'm going to KILL YOU!!!!" I, the person controlling Peach, if you have forgotten, am now shaking my fist wildly in the air, my right eyebrow raised, my biceps flexed, my teeth clenched. My thumbs are working up a sweat as I struggle to get 3rd place, and I feel disappointed when a giant, inflatable fish-balloon-freak drops a bronze Mario-head trophy onto Peach's blonde hair. Miraculously, she retains her consciousness and seems to be content with the bronze. 

I, on the other hand, am nearly breaking the controller in half, and my teeth have been clenched for about 120 seconds, making me feel like a certain green-clad plumber in Luigi's Mansion. (Sorry again, Luigi fans, but…*trying to suppress rage* that games annoys me…oww, why do my jaws hurt now?) I un-clench my teeth and gulp down approximately 2.471 ounces of Dr. Pepper Red Fusion from my cheap CVS tumbler and play "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera. I know, very out of character for this anti-pop rocker, but I'm happy that Aguilera now writes such inspiring lyrics that promote inner strength rather than premarital sex. Gasp, I said "sex!" Note to self: Rate this chapter PG-13. Reply from self: Okelie dokelie, neighborino.

The first track of the 150cc Flower Cup, suitably called Choco Island 1, is quite ugly, and between dodging fireballs and shrinking mushrooms, getting run into by Bowser and Toad (who for some reason were programmed to always be at the top ranks), and furiously avoiding sliding into the thick, possibly chocolate-flavored sand, I don't know if this sentence will ever end. Oh, it just did. Okay. Well, let's just say I needed that song "Fighter" to finish in first place.

Now, call me a sap, but I played Kimberly Caldwell's version of "The Shoop Shoop Song" next as I raced in Ghost Valley 2. Her voice is amazingly powerful and deep. But that's irrelevant, because DK Jr., who may also be Donkey Kong from Donkey Kong Country, who may be the son of the original Donkey Kong, who may be Cranky Kong, ran into me—I mean, Peach, so hard that she bounced off of those despicable light brown tiles several times, doing a strange 180. 

What that means is, Peach once again struggled to get into 2nd place. Note to self: I should use Shift+F7 to find a synonym for "struggle" next time. Reply from self: Stop writing notes to yourself in your fan fiction, the readers will probably think you're even more idiotic than they already think you are. Reply to Reply from self: What?

Moving on, I played a really good song next for Donut Plains 2. I think it was "Straight Out Of Line" by Godsmack. Call me crazy, but the singer's vocals are kinda sexy during the chorus. Yep, I've done it now…I'm going to be labeled "insane" by you readers…if there are any readers. Is this story even about Super Mario Kart anymore? I don't know.

It's a good thing that Mario, Bowser, and Toad all ganged up on Peach (me) on the first lap, or I would've never had the chance to catch up to the top four positions at the end. I was trying to pass Toad, who was in first, I was dodging Bowser's mass, and Mario was coming up from behind. Well, all that swerving Peach had to do really messed up my accuracy, because Mario bumped Peach and instead of making that U-turn before the finish line, she ran into the rainbow-colored divider.

This being Super Nintendo with its old-school graphics, the divider was not a smooth line, rather, it was a row of jaggedly placed tiles. Peach became stuck in between the jags and it took some intricate workmanship to get out of there. And no, there is no reverse option like in Super Mario 64. Or at least I haven't discovered it yet.

Speaking of which, I got myself tired of Super Mario Kart 64 four years ago after playing it for four hours every day. There I go with those mathematics again. Good thing my algebra teacher is history… *holding bloody butcher knife and grinning* 

No! I didn't behead her! I'm not influenced THAT severely by what I listen to! I was just cutting a red pepper! *Picks red pepper skin off knife and eats it* (Stop turning my text bold, Microsoft Word!) Mmm, red pepper! *BURP!* STOP TURNING MY TEXT BOLD!!!! *Shakes fist angrily at monitor…* ARRRGH!!!

Wow, I've already written over 2,000 words, all about absolutely NOTHING! Hey, I could write pop music! Ahem…ok. That was at the risk of getting another review from someone who loves Britney Spears and wants to…erm…you know…her…

I'm sure none of the zero people reading this are taking this seriously, so I'll try to wrap this up. Um, basically, I got a silver trophy after listening to the Offspring's version of "Totalimmortal" (I learned its bass line yesterday too!). It was quite a stru—err, I mean, endeavor. (Thank God for the thesaurus!) Well, I have many jobs to do, and so little time, so I'll just say this.

I need more practice at Super Mario Kart for Super Nintendo.


	3. Another Chapter! What Craziness!

AARRRRRGGH!!!  *Breathing heavily*

So… angry……..

……………

Yeah, I'm back, with more Super Mario Kart SNES experiences to entertain you with.  I still play it all the time while listening to music.  In fact, on August 3rd, 2003, I beat both 150 cc Mushroom AND Flower Cups with maximum points!  Something else very special happened on that day too, but it's none of your business.  Ha ha!

Nelson from The Simpsons: You stole my laugh!  *Pounds fist into hand threateningly*

Me: Um… ah – ha – ha – ha - ha.

Japanese restaurant owner from The Simpsons: You stole MY laugh.  *Holding two razor-sharp butcher knives in each hand*

Me: *Gulp*  Hey!  This is a Mario fan fiction, so get lost!  And whip me up some fried rice while you're at it, okay?

Anyhoo, where was I?  Oh, yeah.  I was playing as Peach (um, duh!) in the 150 cc Flower Cup this morning, as always.  No Dr. Pepper Red Fusion this time, however, just water and a blueberry muffin that I baked myself.  

Well, it was the second track, Ghost Valley 2, I believe, and I was doing fine for the first two laps, dodging Bowser's fireballs and catching zippers, until the oversized spiky idiot came up from behind and threw a fireball in the center of a narrow curve.  Seeing that the fireballs move side to side relatively quickly, I was unable to dodge it, and Peach spun out, losing an insane number of coins, as always.

Well, I could have recovered and won the race, were it not for the ensuing events.  Before I could even begin to accelerate after the spin-out, DK Jr. came up from behind, pulled over sharply to his right, and bumped Peach ALL THE WAY over to the side of the track.  

"DK, you @#&^$%$ #%&^@$$!" she screamed while running into the obnoxious light brown tiles… my archenemy… light brown tiles… *shakes fist in air*  The tile right in front of her broke, falling into the pure blackness.

Now, what do you do, when there is no reverse option, no room to turn to either side, and straight in front of you is the gateway unto hell?  Heh.

"EEEEAAAAA!" Peach shrieked.  I didn't know whether to be happy about killing the bimbo, or angry about the evil DK Jr's mean, merciless tactics; while the chorus' bass line in "Cute Boring Love" by Blindside made my heartbeat race.  (Just in case you didn't know, that song advocates abstinence and purity.)

But anyway, after that money-grabbing thief Lakitu placed Peach back onto the wooden racetrack, and after I wondered why in the heck any sane go-kart driver would even drive on a slippery wooden racetrack, Luigi and Yoshi ganged up on Peach.  Geez, if she weren't already traumatized by nearly committing suicide, maybe she could've dodged an invincible Luigi to the left, and a shove from Yoshi on the right.

Alas, not even my own dexterity (ha ha) could rescue Peach from flying into the light br…rrrr…rown (grr…..!) tiles to the left on the straightaway.  Eh, at least there was plenty of room to accelerate forward!  But Peachie was all out of coins, unfortunately.  If you didn't already know, every time your character runs into or gets run into by another racer, they automatically lose one coin.  And when you get down to zero coins, your character will spin out if touched by another racer and when using the slide technique around a curve.  Doesn't sound so good, now, does it?  Um, no.  Um, duh.

Well!  I wish I could remember how I miraculously managed to get first place on that track, but my method involved mushroom speed-boost dude-thingies and a feather, which allows the racer one big jump, which is quite helpful when using shortcuts, which is quite helpful for winning races, which is quite helpful for winning trophies, which is-

Random reader: Shut up, BCR!

Me: You shut up, you random piece of-

Random reader: *Aims grenade launcher at my precious N64, Gamecube, and SNES, which are all lined up in that order, from left to right*

Me: *Gulp*  Okay!  *Shuts mouth while munching stone-ground corn tortilla chips*

*Sweating*  Anyways!  *Burp*  Um, gee, I'm kinda losing my inspiration, so I'll just end this chapter now.  I may add another chapter once I regain my short-term memory.  So!  Send me a review, if time permits.  Toodles!


End file.
